NC: Hello I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. I gotta be honest, it wasn't easy growing up as a boy in the 80s and 90s. ...who am I kidding, yes it was, but that's because we had help. We had help from the women of our childhoods. And we didn't even know that they were helping us! One minute, girls are just cootie-filled, loud-mouthed annoyances, the next, they're undeniable sex goddesses that make you wanna fall to your knees, look up to the heavens and thank God you're a- ...well, you get the idea. Girls went from annoying to attractive in a matter of moments, and we had several steaming, animated hotties to make that transition easier for us. They were cool, they were smart, and they were hot as Hell! And that's why I am here to honor the Top 11 of them here today. Why Top 11? Because I like to go one step beyond. So, sit back and enjoy the Top 11 Animated Nostalgia Hotties.
Title sequence for the video, Interlude
NC (voiceover): Number 11--Linka, from Captain Planet
Footage of Linka
NC (voiceover): Yeah yeah, as much as I hate this show, you have to admit that little Russian stroganoff was pretty damn attractive. She was cute, strong, and had one hell of an attractive accent.
Linka: Savink our planet is yes a good thing!
Linka: Go avay!
NC (voiceover): So what if she thought that all Americans were uncommunistic pigs.
Linka: My sweet imperialist dog.
NC (voiceover): That doesn't mean she didn't drive us wild. And with the power of wind in her hands, you can tell this Soviet softy she can blow me away anyday.
Linka: Do it!
NC (voiceover): Number 10--The Baroness, from G.I. Joe
Footage of the Baroness
NC (voiceover): Though technically working for COBRA, the bad guys on this show, the Baroness had us all debating whether we should switch sides.
NC: (pretending to be a COBRA Soldier, talking to another soldier) So why'd you join Cobra? The Baroness. Me too. Hot isn't she?
NC (voiceover): This villainess was steaming with all-black attire, skin-tight latex, sexy glasses, and a thick German accent.
Baroness: I vasn't speaking of the dog, moron.
NC (voiceover): Oh, I mean Russian accent.
Baroness: I could get a real kick out of that.
NC (voiceover): Or was it Scandinavian? Czech? Italian? Canadian? Either way, this cold broad is hotter than a T-33 Death Ray, and my guess is she'll be having you shout out COBRA sometime soon.
COBRA soldier: COBRA!
COBRA soldier (offscreen): Destro, that's gross!
Destro: She had something in her eye!
NC (voiceover): Number 9--Sailor Moon, from, well...Sailor Moon.
NC (voiceover): I have to admit, I put Sailor Moon pretty low on this list because I found this show just so goddamn annoying! Even when I was a kid I thought this show sucked. I mean the story makes no sense, the characters are all morons, and they keep using the same chunks of animation over and over.
NC: But if there WERE chunks that they had to use over and over, it would definitely be the transformation scenes.
NC (voiceover): I mean DAMN. This is like intergalactic strip tease! Actually the funny thing about these scenes is that they always take like 2 minutes to go through the transformations. I mean, what the hell are the villains doing during all that time?
NC: Alright Sailor Moon, I'm a big, bad monster, what are ya gonna do about it?
Sailor Moon: Moon Prism Power!
Lengthy transformation scene, during which the monster is confused and falls asleep; when it ends, the camera cuts back to NC, replaced by a sign that says "out to lunch"
NC (voiceover): Nevertheless, you can't argue with good japanese animation, and their ability to put women in skirts that are so short they give new meaning to the term Moon Power. Sailor Moon--from anime to animaven.
NC (voiceover): Number 8--Harley Quinn, from Batman.
Footage of both Harley, and the Batman cartoon in general
NC (voiceover): Of all the characters in the world, you'd think the Joker would the LAST person who'd need a sidekick. But when one of the writers suggested that one of the Joker's henchmen should be replaced with a henchWOMAN, instant history was made, and thus Harley Quinn was born. An energetic, totally psychotic airhead who had the hots for the Joker, aka...puddin'.
Harley Quinn: Ah-he-hem!
NC (voiceover): Since then, Harley has gone on to stardom, even getting herself her own comic book series. So what is it that makes her so damn attractive? Is it her energetic personality? Is it her figure in that skintight outfit? My guess is it's because she's going out with the Joker, which gives the rest of us homicidal maniacs who are dreaming of love much needed hope.
Harley Quinn: Do tell!
NC (voiceover): There's no doubt about it, Harley Quinn gives new meaning to the term "crazy love."
Harley Quinn: You're sick, you know that boss?
NC (voiceover): Number 7--Hello Nurse, from Animaniacs
Footage of the nurse
NC (voiceover): If more nurses looked like this, I'd probably go to the doctor more often. With her 40s style dress, long slinky legs, and hot killer body, she's the cartoon character that makes sexual harassment fun again. And even helped coin the phrase "Hello Nurse."
Yakko and Wakko: Helloooooo Nurse!
NC (voiceover): Okay, so I don't this this phrase ever ACTUALLY caught on, but it was definitely used in the show a lot. She was always the object of Yakko and Wakko's affection. Which always left Dot with...
Dot fantasizes about the psychiatrist
NC (voiceover): Okay, that's kinda creepy.
NC (voiceover): Hello Nurse, she's every patient's dream come true.
NC (voiceover): Number 6--Cheetara, from Thundercats.
Footage of Cheetara
NC (voiceover): If Angelina Jolie and Chester Cheetah ever had a kid, chances are he'd look like this. Faster than lightning and just as hot, Cheetara was just as EXOTIC as she was EROTIC.
NC: And trust me when I say she brought new meaning to the term fast pussy.
NC: Oh come on, I had to, I had to!
NC (voiceover): She was fierce, dominant, and made the roadrunner look like a handicapped turtle. Cheetara, if she doesn't make your sword grow, nothing will.
Snarf: Easy for you to say!
NC (voiceover): Number 5--Daphne, from Scooby Doo.
Footage of Daphne
NC (voiceover): Talk about a character who did absolutely nothing. She never solved any mysteries, never solved any clues, but goddamn could she wear that purple dress. No wonder she has the personality of a hair-spray can. She was the only thing in Scooby Doo that was appealing to look at. I mean think about it, Velma's a lesbo, Shaggy's a stoner, Scooby's a dog, and Fred...well...I just don't trust anyone that wears an orange neckerchief. And I don't think you should either. Daphne was the only character that you actually looked forward to seeing. She was colorful, polite, and of course, hot as lava. Daphne--she may not have a clue, but I'm sure she has several restraining orders.
Daphne: You shouldn't believe everything you read.
NC (voiceover): Number 4--April O'Neil, from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Footage of April
NC (voiceover): Talk about a damsel in distress. There wasn't one second of this show that she didn't need saving.
April: Uh oh!
NC (voiceover): But despite that, she was a pretty fun character. She was cynical, she was funny, and let's not forget that skintight yellow jumpsuit.
NC: I mean what reporter wears skintight yellow jumpsuits, it makes no sense! I can tell you right now though, if more reporters wore skintight yellow jumpsuits, I would know EVERYTHING that's going on in the world.
NC (voiceover): I would watch the news so much you'd have to pry me away from those jumpsuit wearing journalists.
Makeshift picture of Geraldo in a yellow jumpsuit
NC (voiceover): Well...maybe not all of 'em. But nevertheless, April was always the damsel who got herself into trouble. You always looked forward to saving her. She was quick, feisty, clever and always knew how to make the green boys turn red. April O'Neil, making us all pop out of our shells.
April: If you say so!
NC (voiceover): Number 3--Rogue, from X-Men
Footage of Rogue
NC (voiceover): There's nothing like a little Southern Comfort to calm you down, and Rogue was definitely that. With her sizzling accent and Southern personality, Rogue was always that forbidden fruit that you could never touch. Literally. If you touch her you go into a coma for the rest of your life! But hey, that just made us want her more. She could fly, she was strong, she was smart, and of course, she was saucier than Texas prime rib on barbeque night.
Rogue: That's not funny!
NC (voiceover): A lot of men don't like the idea of women being stronger than them. But in Rogue's case, she can kick my flabby white ass anyday.
Pyro: In the mood for a hot date?
Rogue: In a bullseye!
NC (voiceover): If there was ever a Triple-X-Men, you can assure yourself that Rogue would have top billing.
Gambit: You can drain my energy anytime, cher.
NC (voiceover): Number 2--Ariel and Jasmine, from The Little Mermaid, and Aladdin.
Footage of both of them
NC (voiceover): It's hard to choose which one of these two beauties was sexier, so I just gave them both their own number 2 spot. I mean these two hotties make Barbie look like Betty Crocker. With their big wide eyes and soft, curvey lines, there's no doubt that Disney knew how to make our dreams come true. Now a lot of you might be wondering, why didn't I put Belle on there? Well, it's not that she wasn't beautiful, smart and a well-developed character, it's just that...well...she didn't show her navel. And on this countdown that earns you like 20 more points. Sorry kid, nothing personal.
NC: Now all three of these beauties made their appearance at a time when animated women were just concerned about one thing: more...
Aladdin: There's so much more!
Belle: There must be more!
Ariel: I want more!
NC (voiceover): Why is it Disney women are never satisfied? You're fucking royalty! If you had anymore you'd be friggin' gods! But nevertheless, it was Ariel and Jasmine who were the exotic beauties. Even though Ariel is technically a fish.
NC: Which would make relationships difficult. But not impossible!
NC (voiceover): Both of them were active, fun, adventurous, and willing to show off their belly buttons. Ariel and Jasmine, the princesses...of our hearts.
Jasmine: And every other stuffed shirt, swaggering peacock I've met!
NC (voiceover): And the Number 1 Animated Nostalgia Hottie is--man, like I even gotta say her name.
Footage of Jessica Rabbit
NC (voiceover): There is no doubt about it, Jessica Rabbit is the most attractive THING ever drawn on paper. With her thick luscious lips, half-shut eyes and long red hair, Jessica Rabbit had every man jealous OF A STINKING CARTOON CHARACTER.
Jessica: Come on Roger, let's go home. I'll bake ya a carrot cake.
NC: That fucking rabbit...
NC (voiceover): And of course you can't overlook that phenomenal body, which I don't think could technically exist in real life. I mean think about it, if the breasts are twice the size of her waist, but yet her waist is half the size of her legs, she would probably fall to the ground, unable to keep her balance. But fuck it, we didn't care, she looked unbelievable. The ultimate femme fatale, she was mysterious, erotic, and knew how to tempt men. In fact, she might have tempted them too much. There's an infamous controversial scene where Jessica is flung out of the car where she exposes herself not once, but twice in a matter of seconds. This scene caused so much controversy that they actually rereleased it on video and blocked out the image, covering it with her dress. Well, if an animated woman is so hot that even the animators had to see her naked, chances are she really does deserve the Number 1 spot. Jessica Rabbit--
Jessica: I'm not bad...I'm just drawn that way.
NC (voiceover): REALLY drawn that way.
NC: And those are the Top 11 Animated Nostalgia Hotties. If you got some laughs out of this, thanks for watching. If you got aroused by any of this, they're not real! For God's sake, seek some help! I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to.