NC: Hello I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. You know, Hollywood has a talent for taking symbols of our cherished childhood and smashing them into indescribable amounts of fecal matter, and nowhere is that more prominent than in the horrors of the Super Mario Bros. Movie.
Poster for the movie, then screen caps of the games
NC (voiceover): The game, about two Italian plumbers who rescue a princess from a dragon, was such a hit that they put it on everything. Candy, magazines, comic books, the works. So it only figured to put together a Super Mario Bros. movie as quickly as possible.
NC: And when we saw the trailer for this movie, we realized it wasn't just Super Mario Bros., it was Super Mario Bros....
Footage from trailer
NC (voiceover): ON STEROIDS! I'm serious dude, this movie was packin', with flamethrowers, rocket boots, giant monsters and a badass lookin' city. So naturally, we got hyped.
NC: It was opening day, there were lines around the block, and we were ready to see the badass action film of the year. We sat down in our seats, and the film began.
The Title credits sequence begins with the Mario theme
NC: Alright! The traditional Mario music, this is gonna be just like the game!
Opening narration/animated sequence
Narrator: A long long time ago, the Earth was ruled by dinosaurs. They were big, so not a lot of people went around hasslin' 'em.
Brontosaurus: You know, it just don't get no better dan dis.
Throughout, NC has been getting more confused and less enthusiastic
Narrator: Den, a giant meteorite struck de Earth! Goodbye dinosaurs! But what if the dinosaurs weren't all destroyed? What if the impact of that meteroite created a parallel dimension where the dinosaurs continued to thrive and evolve into intelligent, vicious, aggressive beings?! And hey! What if they found a way back?
NC: Oh my God this movie's gonna blow.
Footage of the movie
NC (voiceover): Okay, so let's see what's wrong with this horse's ass of a movie. Well for starters, the graphics in the game are actually better than the graphics in the opening, that's Strike 1. Koopa is a human being instead of a dragon, that's Strike 2, and two Italian plumbers are played by a British man and a Latino, that's Strike 3.
NC: You know what the hell, five minutes into this movie, already it has 3 strikes against it. This is going to SUCK ASS.
NC (voiceover): Alright, so the story centers around a love story between Luigi and the only good looking archaeologist in the entire world, Daisy. Their chemistry is about as awkward as Tom Cruise and...well, pretty much anyone he's dated.
Luigi: I wanna apologize right now, in case when I get to talkin', and I start saying things that sound really weird...
NC: It's okay Luigi. It's not you, it's just bad writing.
Back to footage
NC (voiceover): Now as he takes her out, we find out the Mario brothers aren't even brothers at all. They're father and son.
Luigi: Mario here brought me up.
NC: But wait a minute, doesn't Mario specifically at one point say-
Mario: Mario Brothers Plumbing.
NC: And isn't the title of the stinkin' movie-
Title sequence again
NC: So wait, what are you tryin' to say, they're...they're father and son...AND brothers?
Luigi: He's been my mother my whole life.
NC drops the movie; montage of scenes of Mario and Luigi together
NC: You're messed up movie. You're FUCKIN' messed up!
NC (voiceover): So after that incestuous moment, Daisy is abducted and taken to a parallel world where humans evolved from lizards instead of evolving from monkeys. Suck on that, Creationism!
NC: And in the horrifying city of...Namenotannounced, there's an evil Tyrannosaurus Rex named King Koopa, played by Dennis Hopper. Only he doesn't breathe fire and throw hammers like in the video game, no, this Koopa's more like a mix between Donald Trump and Dr. Evil.
Koopa: See you later Alligator.
NC (voiceover): Disney's Reluctant Dragon would've been scarier than this.
Reluctant Dragon: Really? Oh how nice.
NC (voiceover): So the plan is to merge the two dimensions together and de-evolve mankind. He does this by using a rock from a meteorite that hit Earth thousands of years ago that Daisy apparently keeps around her neck. Or some shit like that, I don't know, I'm usually asleep at this point.
NC (voiceover): His evil henchmen in this movie are creatures called Goombas, and I have to admit, I honestly think they went out of their way to make sure these creatures look NOTHING like the original game.
NC: It's like they're TRYING to piss us off.
Mario: You bet.
Policeman: Alright, last name.
NC: Whoa whoa, we're gonna hear Mario's last name? Dude we've NEVER heard Mario's last name before. This oughta be interesting. Cool, alright, so...what's Mario's last name?
NC: Yea, now what's your last name?
NC: No, now what's your LAST name?
NC: No no...okay, what's your first name?
NC: Okay, now what's your last name?
NC: Fuck you. What's your first name?
NC: And what's your last name?
NC: SHUT UP! What's your last name?
Luigi: Luigi Mario.
NC: Those are both first names, what's your last name?
NC: SHUT IT! What's your full name?
Luigi: Luigi Mario.
NC: THOSE ARE BOTH FIR- ...okay. What's your first name?
NC: And what's your last name?
NC: SHUT THE FUCK UP! What's your full name?
Luigi: Luigi Mario.
NC: What is this, an Abbot and Costello routine?
Luigi: Mario Mario, and Luigi Mario.
NC: ...Are you fucking kidding me? They couldn't think of last names, so they just gave them their first names again? That's like something a kid writes down when he doesn't know the answer on a test! "Mario's last name is, durr...Mario! And Luigi's last name is...Mario too, because they're brothers you see, wait no no no, father and son!"
NC (voiceover): Now you might be wondering why in this version, as opposed to the game, it's Luigi that ultimately gets the hot princess booty? I mean, who does that leave Mario with?
Footage of Mario dancing with the large woman in the club
NC (voiceover): AH! Whoa boy. Sorry Mario, but our princess is in another White Castle. Unfortunately, this Duchess of Dairy Queen also has the rock, as she steals it from our heroes. Which unfortunately means a lot of THESE shots
Shots of the camera close up on the woman's cleavage, where the rock is nestling
NC (voiceover): The only way for Mario to get it back is to use his balding Italian charm to seduce her. ...What some people will do for a role. ...ugh. Most of the performances in this movie are downright terrible. I mean, I love Bob Hoskins, but half the time it sounds like he's coughing up a hairball. And everytime I hear that New York accent, I keep expecting Roger Rabbit to pop up. But by far the biggest award for killing a performance goes to the Poopa Scoopa Koopa himself, Dennis Hopper.
NC: It's literally like he woke up every morning and said to himself "I'm not going to act today!"
NC (voiceover): I don't know WHAT I'm going to do, but it's not gonna be acting.
NC: In fact, we haven't seen Dennis Hopper in awhile, have we? But what do you expect when you're in movies that have you saying lines like...
NC: (snorting) Let's hear that again.
NC: (snorting again) And this is why you don't see Dennis Hopper anymore. In fact, if you watch it in slow motion, you can actually pinpoint the moment where his career implodes in on itself. Watch!
"Bob-omb" line played in slo-mo, accompanied by stock footage of a nuke going off
NC: There is no other line in this movie that could destroy an actor's career so quickly.
Koopa: A monkey!
NC: ...okay, maybe one other line. In fact, let's see those two back to back.
Lines are repeated, accompanied by the words "Academy Award Nominated Actor" imposed over Hopper's face
NC (voiceover): The only thing that's KINDA cool about this movie is how they teleport from one world to another. It's not a great effect, but it's pretty inventive when you consider it comes from a city covered in 'shrooms.
NC: Oh shut up and say Bob-omb.
NC (voiceover): So on top of the bad acting and lame storyline, there's several lines of dialogue that are just entirely pointless. For example, there's a strange running joke where Koopa tries to order a pizza.
Koopa: I'd like the Koopa special
Pizza guy: Pteradactyl tail on that?
Koopa: Yes. Dino, lizard, hold the mammal, no worms and...spicy.
NC (voiceover): Okay, not funny...
Koopa: (addressing Goombas) Onward! Destiny! ...(into radio) Where's my pizza?
NC (voiceover): Okay, still not funny...
Radio: Sir, your pizza's here!
Koopa: Not now. (to Mario and Luigi) Looks like I win!
NC (voiceover): And altogether not funny.
NC: So the final conclusion we have to draw from this is...
Placecard to emphasize what he's saying
NC: Not funny + not funny = NOT FUCKING FUNNY! I mean, do these people have to go back to Film 101? If you want a joke to work, you need HUMOR! DON'T YOU KNOW THAT?! Jesus, I can't imagine this film getting any worse.
Daisy: I know this is gonna sound a little strange, but I want you to meet...my father.
A large collection of fungus extends to meet Mario and Luigi; NC slams his head on the table
Luigi: Well it's an honor to meet you sir, and a pleasure
NC starts pounding on his own head
Luigi: I just...I just wanna thank you for all your help
NC (voiceover): Okay, I'm gonna wrap this up before I puke. The Mario Bros. get the rock back, stop the evil Koopa, turn him into a Muppet and return back home. Daisy can't go because she has to figure out where she "belongs" and they have a happy ending.
NC: OR DO THEY?!
Daisy enters the Mario Bros.' apartment, decked out like a soldier
Daisy: Luigi, Mario!
Luigi: Oh what, what's wrong?
Daisy: You're never gonna believe this.
Mario: I believe it.
Luigi: You do?
Mario: Huh huh. I believe.
NC (voiceover): And, I am not kidding, this is where IT ENDS. On a fucking cliffhanger.
NC: What's wrong, how does Mario know what's wrong? Why does Daisy have a flamethrower?
NC (voiceover): Well thank heavenly Jesus we'll never find out the answer to those questions. Super Mario Bros. Bob-ombed at the box office and thus never had a crappy Hollywood sequel.
NC: Word of advice guys--concentrate on how to fuck up the first shitty movie before you think of ways to fuck up the next one.
NC (voiceover): Perhaps the biggest shock of the movie is the fact that somebody actually wrote it. Not one, but 3 people actually played a part in putting this all together. And would you believe that this movie actually had TWO directors? Because one director can't POSSIBLY make a movie this bad alone. It takes two...with concerted effort.
NC: But to their credit, can you think of anyone else that could POSSIBLY direct a superior film?
Koopa: A monkey!
NC: He's got me there. I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to.
Credits for the video