Speed Racer (Bum script)

Announcer:

And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Speed Racer."

Chester:

OH MY GOD, THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!

There's this kid named Speed Racer.

Someone actually named him Speed Racer. I can't believe that!

What cruel parents!

And he likes to go driving.

And dress up like a sperm.

Which is why they call him Sperm Racer.

And he's in a classroom drawing.

The drawings come to life!

And, suddenly, he is a race car driver!

And there are so many beautiful things flying at him!

Big lights!

Pretty pictures!

It was kind of like being on drugs.

Except I wasn't on drugs!

I'm watching this movie thinking, "I must be on drugs."

But I looked, and I wasn't on drugs!

It's like drugs without drugs.

It's that good!

If you're not high by the time you go into this movie, you definitely will be by the time you leave.

And Wednesday from "The Addams Family" is in it!

Except she's not a little girl anymore.

(Makes breast gesture) She's got the...the... She's not a little girl anymore.

His brother is killed because a mountain eats him!

And he's like, "I'm a big mountain, and I'm going to eat you! Blagh!" (Makes eating gesture)

And Sperm Racer is like, "You're my brother!" And he's like, "No, man, I'm the guy from 'Lost'."

And everybody is dressed up like candy!

It made me so hungry!

I bought some M&Ms, and I smoked it in the bathroom.

And there's this bad guy who I think is Al Gore after he ate Tim Curry.

And he's like, "Racing is fixed!"

And Sperm Racer's like, "No, it isn't!" "Yes, it is." "No, it isn't!" "Yes, it is."

"Isn't!" "Is." "Isn't!" "Is." "Isn't!" "Is." "Isn't!" "Is."

And then he's like, "Oh, it is. What a bummer."

So, Sperm Man gets depressed.

But this child and a monkey comes along!

All great films have monkeys!

Remember "Das Boot"? That had a monkey in it!

Wait, no, that was a submarine.

Submarines are not monkeys!

They are human beings!

So anyway, he's like, "I'm going to go back to racing to beat the British bad guy."

Because he's British and, therefore, snobby and mean.

Except for the Monty Python guys. Th-They're cool.

Did you know House was British?

I couldn't believe it. I was so betrayed.

But that doesn't matter!

We get to the final race, and it's just like a game of Mario Kart!

Except Mario is a sperm.

And everybody else is candy.

He drives!

He swoops!

He spins!

And I think by the end he has an orgasm. I-I'm not sure.

That could've been just me.

And everybody's happy!

Sperm Racer is happy!

Wednesday is happy!

The monkey is happy!

I was happy!

And they play his famous song!

(singing)

Sperm Racer! ...He's very cool!

He's no fool!

He made drawings in school!

And they ruled!

He swims in pools!

His name rhymes with Zuul...from Ghostbusters!

(talking)

And everybody was cheering and applauding!

And I loved it! I absolutely loved it!

Okay, actually, I didn't watch most of it. I was just so happy to be in a warm, warm building.

It's so cold outside!

The popcorn off the floor was very good!

I don't get to be indoors very often!

I actually live in a box!

And before that, I lived in a can.

And before that, I lived in a bag.

And before that, I lived in a pie.

It's not very easy to live in a pie!

Ask Pauly Shore. He lives in a pie right next to me.

So, anyway, if you like being in warm, warm buildings, see "Speed Racer."

Because they are mostly shown in warm, warm buildings!

This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?? Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!

Aw, c'mon, man! I lived in a pie!