Mark Summers: On your mark...get ready...Go stars!
NC: GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO!
Scenes of families competing on Double Dare
NC: Gogogogogogogogogogogo! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Ooohahahahahahahahaha! Oh...ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
NC (voiceover): Double Dare. Good God talk about a kid's dream come true. Not only are you supposed to get as messy as possible, but you were also supposed to get your brother, your sister, and even your parents messy, all while winning fabulous prizes. If you somehow worked dinosaurs and space into it, you would have every kid's equivalent of Heaven.
NC: This show was ingenius, and I mean ingenius, Double Dare was incredible, like the world's greatest Japanese game show...except nobody dies.
NC (voiceover): With an idea so inspired you have to wonder how anyone could possibly think it up--
NC: Well my thought is, it went something like this.
A scene of Mark Summers drinking slime, spitting at another person, and then the two get into a fight with slime
NC (voiceover): And thus, Double Dare was born, the first show that literally taught us "Fuck it, I wanna get dirty."
NC: Now for those of you who don't know the rules of the show, it went something like this:
NC (voiceover): Two teams usually made up of a family of four had to answer a series of questions that were KIND of like Trivial Pursuit for Dummies.
Mark Summers: In Encino Man, what actor plays the caveman?
Will Smith: Oh wait, that was on Final Jeopardy last night...
NC (voiceover): If the family doesn't know the answer, they say Dare. If the other family doesn't know the answer, they say Double Dare. And thus the only option left is the physical challenge. Now the physical challenge is what everyone remembers. This is where you have to do something really messy and really sloppy in order to earn points. They were always strange, wacky, and incredibly disgusting. And God how we loved it.
NC: And part of the fun was just how strange and weird these physical challenges could get.
NC (voiceover): I mean, that has to be the greatest job in the world to come up with those games. Can you imagine what the creative process for this must've been like?
NC: (pretending to smoke a joint) I see...hands! They're...popping balloons that are...filled with jelly. Only their hands aren't attached to their arms like you and me. They're attached to their...heads.
Guess what the clip is of. Just guess. I dare ya.
NC: I see...bananas! And a little man who's...driving the bananas. And on the bananas you have to put...ice cream and chocolate. Because...they're trying to make a banana split. While DRIVING...the bananas.
NC: ...anyone in the mood for tacos?
A clip of families making tacos out of family members
NC (voiceover): Now after you go through the physical challenges, the family with the most points gets to go through the obstacle course, and this is by far the best part of the show. You had to go through all these insane contraptions and grab the flag at the end of each one. Some of these obstacles included Inside Out, Down the Hatch, and the Sundae Slide.
NC: Now unfortunately they didn't go through with all the obstacle course selections that they came up with such as
Each selection is accompanied by a humorous drawing
NC: Steam Roller of Fun, Slide of Thorns, River of Acid and probably the most controversial of all, Crucifixion.
NC (voiceover): But hey, that's not to say they were all family friendly. I mean look at some of these obstacles, they look like medieval tortures created by Bozo the Clown. And some of them were just downright cruel. Like remember trying to find the flag in the Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich? How the fuck are you supposed to find anything in that shit? This was always like the hardest one, yet it was always like the second obstacle. Half the time they couldn't even get to the other obstacles cause they were too busy looking for that damn flag!
Mark Summers: Sometimes, it can be very amusing.
NC (voiceover): Or how about the near-misses, where the flag just barely slips out of a player's hand.
NC: Oh come on you ditz, just give 'em the Porsche.
NC (voiceover): Well, either way, it was fun to watch. But I doubt it was fun to taste. I mean what IS half of that stuff? For all we know that could be like toxic waste or something.
Super-imposed words point to a person covered in slime, saying "Radioactive residue," "Blood," "Elephant Splooge."
Mark Summers: One of Mother Nature's favorite little gifts.
NC (voiceover): Whatever it was, it was slippery. I don't know if they waxed the floors with banana peels or what, but people were falling and breaking bones like crazy!
Quick montage of people falling and getting hit, accompanied by painful sound effects
NC: It's like a lawsuit factory!
NC (voiceover): Now as you may have noticed, the people didn't exactly get a lot of money on this show. I mean look at this, I think the highest I ever saw it go was like 700 bucks or something.
NC: That'll barely pay for the dry cleaning!
NC (voiceover): But the point of the show wasn't really to win money, it was just to have fun.
NC: I mean can you imagine if they DID hand out big money on this show? My guess is there would be a lot more swearing.
He overdubs a scene of some of the challenges, making it seem as if the contestants are swearing, due to their determination
Mark Summers: We wouldn't want that to happen now, would we?
NC (voiceover): Actually, some of these people DID take this show very seriously. I mean look at 'em, some of them don't even crack a smile! Okay, dude, this is not an extreme sport. You're in a salad bowl for God's sake.
Mark Summers: Well let me assure you, we are still crazy.
NC: Now the host of this show was probably the greatest game show host that ever walked the face of the planet. Mark Summers.
NC (voiceover): Why is he so great? A couple of reasons. First of all, he has to talk about total nonsense throughout the entire show and make it sound like its intense TV. I mean how much can you talk about half this stuff?
Montage of Mark talking about some of the more bizarre challenges
NC: How many game show hosts are there that could actually, in all seriousness say "Get back in your taco."
NC (voiceover): Second, he gets just as into the show as the rest of the audience, screaming and yelling and even getting messy sometimes. Third, and definitely not least, THIS GUY WAS OBSESSIVE. COMPULSIVE.
NC: You heard right. Obsessive. Compulsive. That means he liked everything clean, neat, and symmetrical. OH. MY. GOD!
NC (voiceover): That is total devotion to your work. I mean look at all this. They went through his house and moved around a few things, and there he is, down on the floor, straightening the rug, moving the chairs, fixing the curtains. I mean this is how bad he was.
Mark Summers: OCD is all about compulsive rituals, and mine were about cleanliness and making things symmetrical.
NC: And this guy had to do Double Dare?! The sloppiest and messiest game show that ever aired on TV? Give this man a fucking medal!
NC (voiceover): I'm serious dude, if you can't find a medal to fit the situation, make one up.
NC: In fact, I'll make one up. Mark Summers, on behalf of children everywhere, I give you the honorary "Dude, You Got Balls" award. You deserved it man, you deserved it.
NC (voiceover): I mean look at this shit they put him through. I mean do think they even knew he had a problem? Look at this! And yet he just stuck it through like a true professional.
A shot of Mark Summers with a thought bubble that says "Kill Me!"
NC (voiceover): Actually, it is kinda funny watching this, knowing what we know now. That playful laugh suddenly sounds like a cry for help.
A shot of Mark Summers laughing is contrasted with one where NC laughs mockingly, pretending to hold up his gun to shoot himself and then his other hand stops him
Mark Summers: My mom wanted me to be a doctor!
NC (voiceover): With a great host, a great premise, and a great big load of slime, Double Dare was by far one of the coolest shows that ever graced the airwaves. It was one of the trademarks that helped make Nickelodeon a household name.
NC sings some made-up lyrics to the show's instrumental theme song; **First Appearance of Theme Lyrics(?)**
NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. ...Balls.
Mark Summers: In Encino Man, what actor plays the caveman?
Contestant: Pauly Shore.
Mark Summers: No it is not Pauly Shore, this person has talent.