NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. You know, I was walking down the aisles of a video store the other day and I noticed something I haven't seen in years: Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue.
Cut to a camera pan, showing the box the movie came in
NC: Immediately a pool of disappointing memories came flooding back to me and I just knew I had to see this piece of shit again. Now for those of you who don't remember the special, I'll give you the skinny.
Cut to footage of the movie
NC (voiceover): In the early 90s, ABC said they were gonna do a half-hour special featuring kids' favorite cartoons. You name it: Duck Tales, Chipmunks, Looney Tunes, Ninja Turtles, the works.
Back to NC
NC: When you're a kid this is the equivalent of, like, Elvis meets the Beatles, the world could just explode right there. So for weeks we had been waiting in anticipation and finally the big day came. The Saturday morning, all the kids are up and we're hyped as hell! And who do they get to start off this groundbreaking event?
NC: None other than the GODDAMN PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES HIMSELF. Oh my God, George Bush is starting this thing off!
Slight pause, then more skeptically
Oh my God...George Bush is starting this thing off. That can't be good.
Interspliced: NC and footage of the president talking
NC: He goes on and on about how listening to your parents is important and how to maintain the American Family, but when you're a kid, hyped up as hell, all you can hear is: BLAH BLAH BLAH, I'M AN OLD PERSON, BLAH BLAH BLAH, I'M KEEPING YOU FROM YOUR CARTOONS, BLAH BLAH BLAH.
Back to NC
NC: So after he's done blabbing the show finally begins, and it's just like the commercials say, everybody's there: The Smurfs, Ghostbusters, Garfield, ALF...for some reason...I don't know, maybe he snuck in the back, I don't know. But bottom line, everybody's there. It's unbelievable, it's a dream come true. So now that all our favorite cartoons are together in one spot, what are they gonna talk about?
Footage of Simon from the Chipmunks talking to other cartoons
NC stares shocked, silent
NC waves his hands incredulously
NC: Did...did Simon of the Chipmunks just say marijuana? What...what would possess Simon of the Chipmunks to say marijuana? No, no no no, this has gotta be some kind of a mistake. It can't be the same marijuana WE'RE thinkin' of.
Simon: An unlawful substance used to experience artificial highs.
NC is shocked again
NC: Oh my God...wh-why is Simon of the Chipmunks talking about marijuana? What kind of a slap in the face is that? I mean, Simon shouldn't know what marijuana is! Simon is one of the embodiments of childhood, he's from Alvin and the Chipmunks for cryin' out loud! JESUS, I feel so dirty. Simon of the Chipmunks just said marijuana! Is there any other American icon that can smash the foundations of my childhood any quicker?
Footage from the show, this time of Bugs Bunny
Bugs: What's this, a joint?
NC, smacking himself in the head
NC: WHY DOES BUGS BUNNY KNOW WHAT A JOINT IS?! Bugs Bunny shouldn't know what a joint is. If he knows what a joint is, it means he knows what drugs are. If Bugs Bunny knows what drugs are, it means the rest of the Looney Tunes know what drugs are. And if the rest of the Looney Tunes know what drugs are, well that...JUST EXPLAINS TOO GODDAMN MUCH! ...ooph. So, if you haven't put it together yet: All our favorite cartoon characters, that we grew up with, are coming together to talk to US about...drugs. ...This is going to be a long half hour.
More footage from the show
NC (voiceover): So it turns out the special was not even ABOUT the cartoon characters, it's about a little twerp named Michael who has a stinkin' drug problem. He sinks to a new low when he steals his sister Corey's piggy bank. He uses it to buy more drugs which he keeps in a box under his bed. And what exactly does he keep in that box?
A picture of the box, open, showing its contents
NC (voiceover): A silly putty egg, four turds, and two Cinnamon Buns stuck together. Because hey, he was high, and thought it was a good idea at the time.
Back to regular shots of footage
NC (voiceover): Corey thinks about telling her father, but he's too busy being an alcoholic, and gay...and the Brawny man. To make matters worse, Michael is followed around by this obnoxious puff of smoke, voiced by George C. Scott.
Smoke: Hey, he needed me! All his cares went...poof.
Back to NC
NC: Okay, that was lame. But I like his next speech a whole lot better.
Smoke: This individuality stuff is a bunch of crap! The biggest bastards who wrote that stuff about individuality don't know anything more about REAL battle, than they do about fornicating.
NC: Now THAT'S a puff of smoke I can follow!
NC: But tell me, where did this slippery slope of marijuana abuse begin?
NC (voiceover): Well luckily Bugs Bunny has a time machine that's able to show us.
Bugs: I borrowed it from some coyote.
Back to NC, who simply shakes his head angrily; back to footage
NC (voiceover): We find out that Michael just wanted to fit in, and that's why he started smoking marijuana in the first place. And once you listen to how he talks, can you really blame him?
Young Michael: You guys cruisin' for lung cancer, or what?
Back to NC
NC: Somebody give that kid a joint.
NC (voiceover): After that we get some more narc speeches from Ninja Turtles, Duck Tales and the Muppet Babies.
Back to NC
NC: Cause when I think drug about, oh yeah, I think Muppet Babies.
Baby Kermit: ABANDON BRAIN!
NC (voiceover): So after some long-winded speeches, the characters get together and do the most logical thing they can think of:
Back to NC
NC: they have an intervention. With an Alan Menken song.
Cut to scenes from the song, with the various characters singing; cut to shot of NC putting his gun to his head, back to song, back to cocking gun, song, gunshot, cut to black.
NC (voiceover): If you survived your suicide attempt, the special ends pretty much as you would imagine it. Michael gets off the drugs, he makes up with his sister, the puff of smoke disappears, and his attentive parents are none the wiser.
Back to NC
NC: So what message are kids supposed to take from this special? That if they smoke weed, all their favorite cartoon characters would appear? Yeah, that's a top notch moral right there.
Alvin: Is he kidding?
NC: And if you don't get off the drugs, these suckers get violent!
NC (voiceover): In fact, I was surprised at how cruel some of these characters are. I mean look, they lock people in burning buildings, run them over with a roller coaster, blow 'em up, drown them, even Winnie the Pooh gets his ass handed to him.
Back to NC
NC: Jesus, these suckers are mean! Another problem I have with this special is that everybody cries at the drop of a hat. Watch!
NC takes off his hat and drops it on the ground, cut to shot of Michael crying
NC: You see? So, okay, what exactly are these cartoon characters trying to tell us?
Baby Kermit: There's nothing cool about a fool on drugs!
NC: Eh, fair enough I guess. So the next time-
Bugs: What's up doc, is your life, if you don't cut it out.
Michelangelo: You're excellent just the way you are!
NC: Got it!
ALF: We don't always see things the way they are.
NC: Okay, I-
Huey, Dewey, Louie: Just believe in yourself!
Baby Miss Piggy: We care about you.
NC: Well maybe-
Bugs: Everyone's got problems, kid.
Huey: Why don't you just say no?
NC: Got it.
Bugs: You gotta believe in yourself!
NC: Will you shut up?
Baby Miss Piggy: Listen to us!
NC: Yeah, I heard you!
ALF: You use, you lose.
NC: OKAY! GOD! You know I thought this would be really cool, but you know what? This really blows! All my cartoon characters are fuckin' narcs! I mean for crying out loud, how many times do you have to hammer this shit in?
Bugs: If everyone was jumpin' off a cliff, would you go too?
NC: Maybe after seein' this shit! I mean for crying out loud, you know what the irony is? I think most of these cartoon characters were on drugs LONG before this special came out. I mean look at 'em:
Shots illustrating his points
NC (voiceover): Garfield's always hungry, Pooh's happy as hell, Daffy's hyped up on speed, and Michelangelo...well LISTEN to him!
Michelangelo: Your brain must be like REALLY messed up.
NC: I even think our beloved president smoked a doobie before he came out. I mean look at him!
Shot of the president and his wife
NC (voiceover): He's looking at Barbara's head like it's a giant cheeseburger.
Back to NC
NC: Maybe I'm being too harsh on this special, after all they are trying to get across a very moral lesson.
ALF: Drugs aren't your pal, pal, they're your enemy!
NC: A very sound point. Any objections?
Smoke: I make 'em feel good!
NC: He's got me there!
NC pulls out a makeshift pipe or bong and lights it up