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NC: Hello I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to.

Camera pan of the scene around him
NC (voiceover): I'm here in Oak Park, Illinois, where we are witnessing the largest gathering in Illinois--if not the United States!--of ***** ****** fans, who have all gathered here together to celebrate the release of the new ***** ****** book, ***** ****** and the ***** *******. Ah ah, ****** *******. Literally thousands of children, parents, and very lonely adults have come out here to see what J.K. Rowling has farted up this time.

***** ******: Exactly.

NC: Now I know what you're thinking: "How is this a Nostalgic event?" Well when you think about it, there's actually a lot of Nostalgia value here. Years from now, children are gonna be looking back at this cherished day and be asking one question: "Why did I wait hours in line for a book that I am most likely gonna sell at a garage sale?"

Montage of scenes of the event
NC (speaking to an employee): Alright, so what exactly is your job here tonight?

Employee: Making sure everyone is in the right line, at the right place and nobody's fighting over their spot.

NC: Have any brawls/fights broken out yet?

Employee: I've had arguments.

NC: No I mean like brawls-

Employee: No, no brawls, no fists.

NC: You haven't had to break out the ***** bats?

Employee: No, no, no ***** batter.

NC (shocked): Do you have ***** bats?

Employee: I hope not...

Short scene
NC (in front of an event item stand): They actually have "******'s Butter Beer." Cause nothing celebrates the release of a children's book like getting plastered off your ass.

Short scene
Adult Fan: This is Griff, this is a baby gryffon. It's actually my daughter's.

NC: That's your daughter?!

Adult Fan: No no no, this is not my daughter.

NC: Oh, okay. I was gonna say, cause the father must've...hahaha, yeah.

Adult Fan: Well I wouldn't know about that.

******: You're meddlin' in things that ought not to be meddled in!

NC: So does he bite at all?

Adult Fan: Oh no no no. He's young

NC (putting his finger into Griff's mouth): OWOWOWOW!

Montage
NC: Everybody's dressed up here. I haven't seen so many wizards and fairies since last year's Gay Pride Parade.

NC (talking to ***** ****** Look-Alike): Now there's a rumor going around that you're actually the son of Mary Poppins and Where's Waldo, what do you think about that?

HPLA: ...

***** ******: SHUT UP!

NC: There's also this exciting stage production that they're doing, it's called "***** ****** and the Winding Up of the Electric Cord." As you can see...he's a method actor.

*****: Fame isn't everything.

NC (talking to a dressed-up fan): Now I gotta ask you, what poor sheep died to give you that beard?

NC: I have some ***** ****** Jelly Beans. The funny thing about ***** ****** jelly beans is, I'm not kidding, there's a vomit flavored bean in here. Which I'm kinda surprised about cause really eating any of these jelly beans creates kind of a vomiting sensation.
Eats some jelly beans, gets sick

******: Looks like he's gonna be sick!
NC pretends to vomit into his hat

NC (talking to bearded fan again): Okay, what bathroom rug gave up its life to give you that beard?

NC: Alright, so I'm here with the very first people in line for the ***** ****** book, now how long have you guys been here?

Teenaged fan: Technically we weren't in line until 11:00.

NC: It's 11:13...

Teenaged fan: Yeah

******: Codswallop.

Teenaged fan: How long have you been in line?

NC: I just got here.

Teenaged fan: Uh huh, well you call yourself a ***** ****** fan?

NC: No, I don't! Frodo would kick *****'s ass.

NC (coming across a man dressed as a wizard): GANDALF! Thank God, look these ***** ****** people are a little WOOHOO! Honestly, come on, how's Frodo?

Gandalf: He's doing very well, very well.

NC: How's him and Sam? Is the...you know, you saw the movie. Come on, him and Sam were...

Gandalf: He's in the Grey Haven.

NC: Is that what they're calling it, the Grey Havens?

Gandalf: Yeah, one fantasy land's another fantasy land.

NC: Did Gandalf wear glasses?

******: No more questions!

NC (back with "first fans"): I have to admit, I admire you that you'd wait here for a whole...you know, 13 minutes.

Teenaged fan: Hey!

NC: But unfortunately this spot WAS reserved...by me.

Teenaged fan: I'll kill you.

NC: Yeah, I'm just gonna sit here...just wanna get the book! Oh what is he gonna do, does he have a wand?

Teenaged fan: No, he has a gun.

NC: He has a gun? Okay, let's go before he shoots us.

NC: I'm here at the end of the line for the ***** ****** book. These are the four unfortunate people who will most likely NOT get a book, because they are the last in line.

NC (addressing closest fan to him): But you're very lucky, cause I have something special, the ***** ****** Cliffnotes. Now they usually go for a thousand, but you know, I like you guys you're a good sport, so I'll give them to you for 2000 and your first born child. ...alright, second born child.
one of the fans hands him a dollar
NC: I'll take it.
Takes the dollar and hands them the envelope
NC: SUCKERS!

NC: Alright, so I'm here with the ******net.com people, am I right, you guys talk about all sorts of theories and conspiracy theories about ***** ****** and so on, so forth, correct?

******net Rep: That's right.

NC: Did ***** cause 9/11?

******net Rep: I think so.

NC: Is he responsible for the war in Iraq?

******net Rep 2: Fred Phelps would tell you that.

NC: That means yes, that means yes, ***** caused the war in Iraq, email--that address, right there--email it to him, send (inaudible)

******net Rep: You're putting words in his mouth, sir.

NC: Am I? Get a shot of his mouth
Uses hand to control Rep 2's mouth
******net Rep 2 (controlled by NC): ***** caused the war in Iraq!

NC: See, you heard it right here, you heard it right here.

******net Rep: Are those ******* ******* Cliffnotes?

NC: Yeah, they're Cliffnotes. Want 'em? I'll sell 'em to you for a thousand...pennies.

******net Rep: That's a good deal dude, that's a good deal.

******: It's top secret, that is.

NC: Well it's just about 10 minutes until the books are gonna be released, let's go look at the lines!

Montage of the lines
NC: That was the line for the books that were NOT reserved. This is the line for the books that ARE.
Montage of an even more ridiculous line
NC: It's like 10 times longer! I mean what the hell...IT'S RESERVED! Isn't that the idea of reserving a book, so you don't HAVE to stand in line? Is that some kind of like ******** logic, I mean it makes no sense! I think it's because Americans are proud of waiting in line. I don't know why, we just get a sick thrill out of it. Standing in one spot is not hard. Anyone can do it. *I* can do it! Watch! ...You see? Now gimme a book.

NC (talking through a window to a bookstore employee): Nine minutes! Come on, eight minutes, you know? What, we gotta wait till it's 12:00?

Kilt Man: Exactly.

NC: "Exactly." This coming from a man in a skirt.

Someone offscreen: It's not a skirt! It's a kilt!

NC: Actually, what are you? What are you dressed as?

Kilt man: This is my normal wear.

NC (horrified): I apologize from everyone in America. My brain sometimes just dies on me. Stupid white American! (nervous laughter) I don't know anything. Just don't...don't...
NC runs away to Benny Hill Theme

******: I shouldn't have said that...

NC: Alright kids, 2 minutes to the ***** ****** book, I don't know if there's anything really to be excited about...
The crowd roars behind him
NC: They seem to be excited. I don't know

******net Rep (on megaphone): One minute

NC: One minute now.
Cut to the crowd counting down the last 10 seconds; NC begins screeching like a little girl, along with the crowd, getting so riled up he strips off his NC jacket, hat and tie

********: That's totally barbaric!

NC: First of all I apologize for the reaction I had before, I was just vocalizing my disgust for the entire thing, it's just totally revolting but, uh, here it is! Here's the copy, ***** ****** and the ******* *******. Man, I'm looking forward to hundreds and hundreds of pages to see how this turns-
He simply opens to the back of the book
NC: He lives. $30 wasted, I'm goin' to Hooters.

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